Monday, August 12, 2013

M. I. A. (Maybe I Am or Mostly I Am)...

Jeremiah 6:16
New International Version (NIV)
16 This is what the Lord says:
“Stand at the crossroads and look;
    ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
    and you will find rest for your souls."
 
M. I. A. generally stands for "missing in action" or as defined by the Urban Dictionary, "one person who usually hangs out with a crowd is not there", while both of those statements apply to my lack of presence and participation here in the land of blog I am taking liberties with redefining M. I. A. to sum up my recent activities and somewhat explain my absence.

Maybe I Am...strolling along a distant shore...
  collecting mermaid trinkets...
  and wishing I could fly or sail away from present circumstances...
 
or  Maybe I Am...rambling along a lily lined country lane...
picking posies of Blackeyed Susans...
  and Queen Anne's Lace...
while sorting out the fuzzy details of this summer...
which seem to be like some over bright, larger than life, technicolor dream that has been brought into sharp focus with its contrast to reality...
or Maybe I Am...perched on the edge of taking flight...
 spreading my wings towards new horizons not of my own choosing...
 wondering what dizzying heights of emotion and change are in store for this next leg of the journey...
Mostly I Am...steeped in the heightened awareness of the delicate fragility of life as we know it moment by moment, its rare exquisite beauty...
 how swiftly it changes from new and fresh, tender and young, ripe and crisp with possibilities...
to aged and life worn,  yet wiser and more wonderful, despite its tattered appearance ...
Mostly I Am...trying as best as I am able to maintain a sense of normalcy, rhythm, and routine in escaping on occasion to my happy artful place...
taking even the smallest leftover tidbit of time that I can find to reflect on the things that delight and entice me, luxuriating in the tender healing beauty of the natural world that surrounds me...
Mostly I Am...trying to come to terms with what I once knew and what currently is as I look into the blurred reflection of her eyes...
 trying to find that one gossamer sprig of who she was amid the tangled bramble of the mind that is known as Alzheimer's... 
Mostly I Am...trying to anchor myself...
 against the incoming overwhelming tide of circumstance and emotion that threatens to consume me...
as I quietly seek direction, looking right...
 and left...
before stepping off into midair of the uncertain and the unknown and somehow in the midst of this madness finding small spatial rests for my soul...
This summer has left me slightly battered and weather beaten, a collection of tears like a strand of glistening crystalline pearls have been my adornment...
I stepped away to give myself time to adjust and time to grieve the changes taking place.   While she is not gone from this world in a physical sense, mentally the disease is rapidly progressing.  We have been prepared for what lies ahead and it is not a pretty picture.  Home care is no longer an option and we have moved into a new normal of visits to a nursing facility. 

Mostly I Am...counting my blessings...
 Behold, I stand at yet another of life's crossroads and look at my circumstances and the world around me.  I examine where I am and where I could be, my lot in life at the current moment is certainly difficult but it is also not as bad as it could be.  I ask for the ancient path of grace to pave the way.  I seek the good in this situation as we move forward.  I graciously accept the small rests for my soul, a very brief trip to the shore in late spring, a leisurely stroll through a botanical garden mid-summer, rambling along dirt roads to and from the farm, the legacy of my grandmother's garden, snippets of studio time, and even my own backyard.
I've decided to give myself a break regarding my life and my activities, particularly when to push ahead and when to pull back, living quietly and consistently, collecting steam for the future.  I cannot say why this mad hatter of a path has been chosen for our family but I can say that I live a most extraordinary life these days.  I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a caretaker, a friend, an artist, a writer, an amateur photographer, and a memory keeper.  I am indeed blessed!

Blessings,
Sandy
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