Wednesday, May 20, 2015

ANOTHER MISS SANDY MISADVENTURE: THE SNEAKY SNAKE (OR HOW I ALMOST LOST A REAL ESTATE AGENT)

I seriously don't know how these things happen but they do and they happen to me...the weird, the strange, the unusual, the hilarious...and they usually become legend in and outside of our family.  Now before the Handyman can broadcast it far and wide I will tell the tale on myself.  It all began innocently enough...
We have a piece of property we are putting up for sale (nothing unusual about that, people sell property all the time) so we contacted our real estate agent to set up a meeting to discuss the sale and get the paperwork started (again, nothing usual about that, its part of the process).

Setting the scene:  A gorgeous spring day with a wonderful breeze scented with the fragrance of fresh cut lawn.  Song birds twitter and flutter across the hay fields.  The mountains are putting on a colorful show of new green and lush blooms.  A wee brown bunny nibbles at fresh foliage at the edge of the lawn.  A perfect day in the countryside.
The agent arrives and we discuss the property and are taking a little tour when out of the field and right near our feet slithers a 5 foot long black snake.  An exclamation of "Oh my!" issues forth from the Handyman who stands there calmly, the real estate agent shivers and shimmies from head to toe and gurgles, "Bwah..ugh...ewww!" (or something like that), I let out a yelp that echoed off the mountains and shot off in the opposite direction of the object of our mutual dislike.

While the Handyman is trying to shoo the slinky slithering snake back into the field, the agent decides she wants a closer look at him and goes in for a peek with her camera, I stay on my perch very far away.  (This is a very bad sign of things to come, she wanted a closer look, well little did she know she was about to get one...we all were)  Not wanting a close up Mr. Snake decided to hide out is a thick patch of mint. 
I direct everyone away and around to the front door where we go inside to do the paper work needed to start the sale process.  We get the business out of the way and then settle in for a visit, for not only is she our agent, she is also a friend.  After catching up she is ready to head home and as is the custom here in the South, the long goodbye begins.  

First everyone stands up as conversation continues where as group you meander to the door.  Then you congregate on the porch as you all gradually make your way down the steps all the while still having lively conversation.  A drawn out strolling procession ensues to the mode of transportation where hugs and handshakes are shared.  The leave takers settle themselves inside while a door is left open or a window is rolled down, goodbyes are called, well wishes of safe travel, waves, smiles, and hope to see you soon's are shared back and forth over the sound of the motor.  A slow tangible pulling away begins, physical separation, that is felt with both space and emotion as any good visit always ends, wishing it was longer and more often.  Both leave takers and those left behind part chatting about all their favorite parts of the visit because, lawd! we Southerners like our long goodbyes.  (or at least that was what was supposed to happen, here comes the weird unusual part)
The Handyman is standing at the door, hand on knob, ever the ready gentlemen to allow ladies to exit first.  Our guest/friend/agent is heading for the door.  I bring up the rear of our little parade.  We are staggered across the room and I have the best vantage point of the door as the Handyman is opening it, looking back over his shoulder, and talking, the real estate agent is responding, and I am for some unknown reason am focused on the exit.  Everything suddenly time warped, I swear it was slow motion and instant fast forward all in one turn of a door knob.

The knob turns, the door opens, a new guest arrives...remember that snake I mentioned earlier, the one lurking in the mint patch out back?  He was coming right on in the front door!  He is literally right by the Handyman's foot just out of the agents sight and right in my sight line.  I let out a banshee whoop that made my native american ancestors proud, alerting the Handyman of the intruder all the while doing a perfect pirouette while moving faster than greased lightning past the stunned agent, around the corner, wedging myself on the kitchen counter by the coffee pot.  I turn my head just in time to see the shocked agent twirl in a circle, reach for the kitchen table, draw back, start to run, hit the wall, and land in a heap on the floor.  My discombobulated mind thought in all naivete that I was safe by the coffee pot but she had done got got!  The Handyman stands there calm as a cucumber and shuts the door enough to hold the uninvited guest in check.  
He yells at me to quickly bring him a broom.  I yell back in a minute as I am trying to extricate myself from the awkward wedge dive onto the counter.  The agent  is strangely silent as she picks herself up off the floor looking rather dazed.  I get the broom, round the corner and see 3 feet of writhing angry hissing snapping snake in the living room.  I threw the broom at the Handyman and made an exit, stage left!

The door opens, broom not needed to encourage guest to leave, he puts it in reverse quick enough and has the nerve to think he can slither up on, rest, and recover on the porch furniture!  (and I thought I was safe up high on the coffee pot shelf)  The Handyman is no Southern gentleman at this point but strongly encourages the unwanted guest to leave, post haste!  Mean while back in the house the agent and I stand in stunned silence looking at one another as the Handyman comes back in.  The frayed nerves and the ridiculousness of the situation hit us all at the same time and we roar with laughter.
Once the tears of laughter dry we try to dissect exactly what happened.  Handyman said he heard my warning scream of garbled whoop and "snake coming in the door" as he saw my backside flash around the corner and the agent crumple in a heap to the floor.  The agent said I scared the dickens out of her with the loudest scream she has ever heard and had never seen anyone run so fast in all her life swearing I broke some sort of sound and speed record.  She looked at me accusatory and could not determine if I pushed her out of the way or if her shoe gripped the floor as she turned to run and hit the wall falling into a heap.  And the snake, well he was just looking for a cool piece of property to inhabit and got much more than he bargained for.

After sufficient recovery we ushered the agent off with a parting gift of a huge bouquet of fresh garden flowers, profuse apologies, the memory of a lifetime, and the Southern tradition of the long goodbye.
On the way home in the silence of the truck spontaneous fits of laughter burst forth from either the Handyman or I.  Sleep last night was hard coming because we got so tickled we laughed until we cried...again.  All the while we wondered if we still had an agent or a friend.  I guess we do, got a text from her this morning, she already got a call on the property.

And so another Miss Sandy Misadventure legend begins, I hear the Handyman on the phone regaling the tale...

blessings and smiles,
Sandy

P.S.  What do these pics have to do with this post, absolutely nothing, my camera and I have been doing a study of all things green, its my favorite color and all these photo contain varying shades of green.  Hows that for some randomness? 

9 comments:

Dorthe said...

Oh Sandy, what an experience, you made me laugh, not because of the snake, but everything else...as I would have reacted just as you did here. What a day you all had, and even the laughter is good for everything I don`t envy you this day with the snake ! LOL
Hugs,Dorthe

Becky K. said...

Oh my goodness...I did laugh with you on this one. I'm glad it all ended well! Silly snake...maybe he just wanted to make an offer?

Vee said...

Wonderful story! And I thought I had it rough with a squirrel bouncing around the basement. I would have been so wound up by that encounter, I don't know if I could ever laugh...that's probably a good sign that you can. Hope it sells soon without any further visits from Mr. Suave.

Magpie's Mumblings said...

You know something? Commenting is nigh onto impossible through gales of laughter and the ensuing gushing of tears. You, my friend, have the gift of story telling and have given me the best laugh I've had in a long time. This post is one I will return to, just so I can relive the experience. Thank you!

susie @ persimmon moon cottage said...

What a funny adventure! I am glad that everything worked out fine. That was a pretty nervy snake.

Createology said...

Your tale is completely visual and I can practically hear the screams. Snakes and I are not friends...ever! Thankfully all involved are safe and well...snake excluded as it should be flattened by a steam roller at least.
Blessings Dear...

KathyB. said...

Although snakes do not scare me, a snake creeping into the house via the front door as I am escorting company out would definitely cause a stir ! Hilarious recounting. I am going to share this with our realtor friend.

bobbie said...

A wonderfully told tale!! Mayhap the snake just wanted a bit of lemonade...
Thanks for the big belly laugh and grin!

Kimberly said...

Wow. That's quite a story!!! Well told, I could see it all. :)

Just visiting after seeing the links to the "I Remember Laura" Art Swap you did years ago. I enjoyed that so very much. If you ever do another....let me know!

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