"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
~Elizabeth Stone~
Last Tuesday my world tipped a little bit on its axis. We received a letter with a few short sentences that changed everything. As I lay down that night, sleep eluded me. I could hear it, that staccato beating of two hearts connected by the invisible strings of love. One beating in a rhythm of excitement, anticipation, full of plans for a fulfilled longing. The other, feeling the pull and tug of the inevitable snapping of those very heart strings that have bound them these 21 years.
Exactly 35 paces apart lay these two hearts. Neither one allowing the owner a wink of sleep. One heart straining towards the future, while the other recalled the past. The more selfish of the two wanted to initially hide the information that the lines of that letter contained, but knew it would be very wrong to do so. The selfish heart thought it was ready and prepared for this news to arrive someday, just not THAT day, some other day in the distant future might have been fine, but perhaps not. The selfish heart knew that it might never be ready for this news.
The selfish heart felt distinctly the stretch and small tear that is always required when turning loose and letting go is required. The selfish heart could not bear the pain alone so it sent pictures to its companion, the mind. The mind cold not process the flow of shifting feelings as quickly as the heart transmitted them, it only saw emptiness.
An image of an empty room. An image of one listening for familiar sounds but hearing only silence. An image of a clock, ticking away minutes that are past and can never be recaptured. An image of a heart, breaking just a little. A final image of a world familiar and comfortable, tipping a bit on its axis.
They say that to have children is to have your heart walking around outside your body. I say it is true. My heart, my Darling Daughter, is moving into her first place. While I am excited for her and this new chapter in her life, I think she will be walking away with my heart in her hands.Blessings,
Miss Sandy
17 comments:
With my son just getting married and moving home this summer, I understand. I've thought it so strange, the juxtaposition of feelings -- happy in his blissful happiness, yet missing him and mourning the loss of things that will be no more. Though knowing this is the way it's supposed to be as our children leave the nest, it is definitely not easy.
Oh it feels exactly like that...someone walking around with your heart in safe keeping...Having a child is a wonderful gift...but it makes us vulnerable...
Boy! Do I remember that feeling! My baby was only 17 and I left her on the steps of her college dorm nearly 2000 miles away from home. I cried all the way home on the flight. She was my best friend, my child, my baby. She had rarely been away from home and now... Probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! That was 12 years ago. I survived and so did she.. she graduated from that college with her BA in wildlife biology and management, married, graduated from SUNY EFS with her masters, just got back from a summer in Africa working on her PhD.
Hard? Extreemly.
Worth it?
I think so.
They can't fly unless we open our hand.
I remember this very moment when I had to let my Jenny fly...she is all grown up, and we are forever Mother and Daughter, but in the moment of saying good-by to the little girl in the peach bedroom with all the stuffed animals and secret dreams. She is my friend, she is a Mother, a wife and she dreams larger dreams now. And not a day passes that we are not on the phone, or wanting to find time to be together more.
My memories are treasured of that little girl with the big brown eyes that shinned. And now I see her look at her child just like I look at her today.
Love the journey, Mary
Beautiful post! I love that quote and your photos! Time flies especially when you have kids. How many times do I think; oh remember this or that. Our kids are 13 and 15 now and it's hard to realize that in the same amount of time from this moment all things will be changed and that coming period will go as fast as the last 13 and 15 years or maybe even faster. I think it's good to realize once in a while how vulnerable kids make you and that they always stay your kids, no matter what and of course that we will have to let them go once...
Thinking of you, your family and your daughter.
This is a post from the Heart , I love it !
Love from Rini
A very creative and lovely post.
I don't know what I will do when that day comes for us. I imagine I will feel much like this.
Becky K.
Love the post and the lovely pictures!!! It is hard to let them go but someday they will come back with grandchildren and then you will be in a different kind of Heaven!!! He he, I know this is hard, but, hang in there!
Hugs,
Margaret B
Such a beautiful post - you write so movingly. Thank you.
Oh do we know. 6 times we have had to let one go. 2 times one has had to come back. That is hard too. Because that usually means something has gone wrong. Your kids will not understand this sentiment until their children start to leave. We are now looking forward to great grands. I can hardly believe it.
QMM
Every single one of those thoughts and quotes is so true! Especially the one you wrote about having children is like having your heart walking around outside your body!
Sometimes I have pondered the thought that if I had known how much my heart could hurt where my children are concerned, before I had them...would I have still wanted them so desperately?
Of course I always answer myself right back , YES! But I would have never guessed how much truth there is in all you said, and how my love for my children is but a mere whisper of the great love God has for His Son, the One he allowed to bear the sins of the world....so great a love for us!
Beautiful photographs to go with your hearts' writings.
Heavy sigh. My heart is alined with yours dear friend.
Oh Sandy! I could feel the tearing. This is the most difficult thing a parent faces. Letting go . . .
Hugs!
Nancy
Oh Momma Bear... those Baby Bears do grow up don't they!!!!! Seems like only yesterday...
Just keep those sweet memories in your mind & heart. As you keep her there too. She'll be back often. But, you are right... it is a rite of passage when they fly the nest.
Did you get the soldering info I sent you? Did it make sense? Let me know if I can help.
You've done such a wonderful job of expressing the love of a Mom in this post. It's breathtaking, pure and honest. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I found it difficult to read this without crying, for while my daughter is almost 14, I can see the future plain and clear and I know I'll have difficulty in the days to come.
Sandy, I have just written a short piece on when I left home, and it reminded me of how my relationship with my parents changed. I never appreciated them more. When you're young and newly moved out, it's wonderful to be able to be on your own and then "come home." It will be different and good. One chapter ends, the next begins. (It's easy for me to say, as I haven't experienced it yet.) Hugs.
Pass the tissues, please.
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